029
I discovered that I don't go out with myself nearly enough—which is to say, at all. And, quite easily, I decided that I was going to fix that. I need to explore alone, visit new places, form a catalogue of locations that enriches me.
I must admit, this idea comes from an annoying fact I realized; I just tag along with groups. I never offer new places, because, well, I have no suggestions. I know none. I want to be a person that goes around and knows what's around. And even more, it comes from the fact that I want to be able to lead, to be independent, and dependable.
These thoughts are a jumbled mess inside my head. So let me rephrase:
I want to enjoy time by myself. I want to explore by myself. I want to form a repository of places to share with the people I love. I want to take the person I love the most by the hand, and show them all the places that reside in my heart. I want to be full, to be able to fill others. I am tired of being an empty cup, waiting to be filled. I am tired of being a residual. I want to be whole, regardless of the people around me. I want to have my worth, internally, regardless of any external factors. I want to be complete, with my own experiences. I want to lend ideas, not borrow them. I want to cast my consciousness outside of me, instead of taking in others.
I want to be me. An entity that is only and truly itself. Molded by itself, formed by its own hands, exploring for its own sake, forming its own memories. A lifeform that is at its purest, untouched. A person that does not consume but produce, permeating instead of absorbing, pushing out instead of taking in.
What I want is the very seed of me that has been buried under layers upon layers of ice, formed by thousands of unrelenting ice ages. I'm in the stages of thawing, of removing what is there, to be able to reach the nodule that can then flourish. I'm fixing the stairs before I can climb them. I'm washing the grime and dirt from the ore, before I can refine it. I'm crawling out of the world of negative numbers, just to reach the zero—the true neutral—so I can truly start counting.
What I want is to be absolutely nothing, in the truest form of the word, so I can be something.