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The guttural, soul-consuming need to latch to someone, in an act of emotional vampirism, is the most profound presentation of my dependency. I do not carry any malice, nor intend to harm. But the very act that fills me with life, that replenishes my vitality, is unfortunately draining to the subject of my affection. It is monumentally difficult for me to stay in a state of emotional independency once my heart has found the—or a—person it likes.
I know I’m not ready, nor mature enough for what constitutes a healthy relationship. And so, I refrain from engaging in any form of closeness, for I can’t stand the feeling of being a cause of suffocation.
But that raises the question; what is love for me? Is love the feelings I have towards the person feeding me the attention I subconsciously crave? Is there a deeper aspect of love that I’m incapable of, or simply don’t understand? Is my love intrinsic, based solely on my values and wants? Or is it extrinsic, reactive to the acts of others? In other words, am I just a glass waiting to be filled? And why am I waiting, always waiting?
Love, or a hunger for affection, I cannot tell. But either way, it’s burning a hole into the fabric of my being, this feeling. I want to consume the person I 'love', assimilate with them, become one. I want to be the air they breathe and the light they see and the words they speak. I want to be wholly them, and them wholly me.
But I can’t, shan’t and won’t. I reject this notion of love that once drew the trajectory of my relationships. And until I’m self-sustained, internally producing enough of what I need to be whole, I don’t think I’ll be able to say ‘I love you’ and mean it like it should be meant.